Wednesday, November 18, 2009


There is no more rigorous a test of a relationship, especially a new one, than the holidays. We've all starred in our personal Home Alone movie and not always by choice.
I, Yvette, would like to share an experience I had last Thanksgiving. I had been dating someone for about five months. The closer we got to what would be our first major holiday, the more uncomfortable I became. I wanted to ask him what plans he had but I thought I'd put him on the spot. I should have had an idea because I hadn't met any of his family. Not even the cousin he frequently spoke about.

After asking a few friends what I should do, I decided to woman up and ask. "Knowledge is power," I told myself.

"What are your plans for Thanksgiving?" I asked during a phone call. He laid out his plans, they did not include me.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Nothing", I answered, casually.


A few days later, we had dinner. It was awkward, conversation was stilted and all attempts were made to avoid talking about turkey. At the end of the evening, as I got out of the cab he said he'd call. The day before Thanksgiving, the call morphed into an email wishing me a happy one. Guess he didn't read our post, 'What's Up With Diss Email."

Oh, well I learned a lesson. This wasn't a 'love at first sight' relationship so there wasn't a mad rush to show me off to his family. He'd met mine, it was my birthday celebration. I never considered leaving him out. And in our family, we don't think the next sound you hear will be wedding bells just because you met some of us.

Holidays are simply holidays, to be enjoyed and not to be used as tools of disengagement. What did I learn? I should have asked sooner. I should've lowered my expectations based on his actions. Five months and no introduction to close friends or family? I don't think he was rude for not including me in his holiday plans, the email was. He should've manned up and picked the phone up.

Commitment or lack of isn't a social grace but how you handle it is. Maybe some of us are just too hot to handle. Ha!


Anonymous said...

well said, yevette! you're beautiful and smart. no point in wasting your time.

Anonymous said...

This sounds less like a case of poor manners and than one of mixed expectations gone slightly awry. I don't envy your might-have-been 'holidate' for the awkward position in which he suddenly found himself.

You expected your date to seize on the opportunity to include you in his plans, but in current parlance, the question "What are your plans for [holiday X]?" is often asked by a host looking for a guest to fill out their own table, or even as idle small talk, with no expectations by person A of being included in person B's plans.

With how things turned out in your situation, it might not have mattered. But, "Would you like to make plans together for [holiday X]?" is the question I ask if I really want to spend a special occasion with someone. It's a direct question that can speak volumes more about my actual intentions, and it more easily allows my prospective date to sort themselves into or out of any future considerations.