You Can Look But Don't Touch

In Italy, it's considered good luck to touch a pregnant woman's belly. That is in Italy.

In America, we don't like people in our personal space. We don't like feeling someone's flesh pressing against us in a tight space. We don't like people touching us unnecessarily, as many men think they have a right to do to women. We don't like people touching our babies' faces, especially strangers.

The other day, Yvette was livid when a friend kept admiring her hair by repeatedly touching it. When Yvette wore braids, people thought it was their right to put their hands all over them. It drove her crazy. Total strangers touching and sometimes pulling her hair!

I wear my hair back and sometimes a hair or two (I have three.) will be out of place and my nice friends will sometimes fix it for me. I HATE THAT. Maybe I like that mussed look or maybe I'm aware of what my hair does during the course of the day and I'm okay with that. If I have a hair sticking straight up like Alfalfa, then it's fine to gesture with your hand or a finger that I'm having a style issue and I'll fix it. Would you wipe butter off someone's face?

A lot of women wear extensions. You don't want to touch someone's hair and have it end up in your hand. There is no happy ending to this kind of situation.

Touching a person's hat should also be avoided. "This woman kept taking my hat off my head," a friend said. "She did it three times and finally I told her she needed to stop." The woman explained that she kept taking his hat off because she liked it. Say what?

After Yvette told me about her hairy situation, I explained, "In Italy, people think nothing of touching a pregnant woman's stomach and women are okay with that."

"That's in Italy," she replied.

Black In America - Manners Matter

CNN's Black in America series is running this week. One topic they've covered is profiling. It's happened to both of us. It is painful, insulting, embarrassing and cruel. It can make you so angry that you just want to lash out - and this can be ugly. We'd like to share a couple of our own personal incidents and how we handled them.



Yvette

I was shopping at one of my favorite stores for a client several years ago. The security people were practically on top of me. I got very angry and loud. A black security guard came over to me and said, “You’re right, they were following you, but this is not the way to react.”

While there is good reason to be angry, it doesn’t help to cause a scene, especially when you haven’t done anything. Take a deep breath, ask to see a manager, take names and numbers.

Last February a woman moved her purse after checking on it numerous times, there was no way I could’ve taken it. When she finally moved the purse, I went over to her and acknowledged her action. I was calm; I spoke in a hushed tone and politely asked her not to judge all us by the worst of us. (By this time she had rolled her Burberry coat in a ball and stuffed it in a small tote, so I guess she thought I wanted the coat too).

Situations like these call for poise, manners and confidence - everything they apparently don't have.



Yvonne

I had dinner with friends last night in an Upper East Side restaurant. Our table wasn't ready so we found some seats at the bar. To my right there was a young, white woman. Her bag was hanging on the chair. As I was getting situated, she looked at me and then reached into her bag as if she were looking for something. Her hand came up empty. I turned my chair toward my friends, when I swung my chair around to go to our table, her bag was on the other side of the chair.

I had to have a quick little conversation with myself. Would she have done that if I were white? Maybe, but why hadn't she put her bag in a more secure place before I sat down? I wasn't the first customer of the evening and it was clear that she'd been there awhile. That's what racism does - it makes you weigh the situation, when you're black. It can't be coincidence that for all the times I've sat next to a white woman she just happened to move her bag closer or to the other side of her. One woman was kind enough to look at me and say, "Let me give you some space." I'm small, her Chanel purse is small - what space was she talking about?


Sometimes I have been tempted to say, "Would you like me to take that for you?" Instead, I opt to say nothing. I just hope that one day she'll have the pleasure of meeting Yvette.

Eating Like No Tomorrow In Public

Eating in public is an unfortunate act. It's okay if you're at a block party or street fair. You can eat all the fried, doughy stuff you want. Some people think eating meals while walking down the street or sitting on a bus or a train is acceptable behavior. If you've ever sat next to someone having corn chips on public transportation, you know better.  Fried fish on the run could make you run too.

Recently, we saw a teenager happily eating fries out of a greasy bag and when she was finished, she licked her fingers with gusto. This after touching the poles in the subway car and who knows what else in the subway station.  Want some germs with those fries? 

Walking down the street eating food, even an innocent ice cream cone, is dangerous. It's a fact that we are vulnerable when we eat and walk at the same time.  It's to the mugger's advantage that you chow down in public.  As for ice cream, it's great street food but walk with someone while you licking it. It's safer and it won't look so sad.  

So what's a hungry man or woman to do?  If you're very hungry and can't wait until you get to where you're going, stay in the pizza parlor or find a corner in the sandwich shop. You can look for a nearby park. Never eat on a bus or train unless you're under five years old or if you're having a medical episode. If someone sitting next to you is eating corn chips and you want to say something, you must be very careful that the person isn't crazy. Better that you find another seat. Maybe you can throw them a look as you dramatically get up and quickly remove yourself from the area.

Food is coming at us these days from all different directions. That doesn't mean that it should be eaten in all directions.

 

THE UNINVITED OR NOT MEMBERS OF THE WEDDING

Yvette and I had something very hurtful happen to us recently. One of our first cousins is getting married and we're not invited to the wedding. BUT OUR BROTHER IS! Ouch!

We have taken this situation apart and put it back together again several times. We wondered if something happened that we don't know about. We came up with nothing. Could it be the expense of the wedding and only a few family members were invited? I can understand that.

When I got married four years ago, we had a limit of one hundred guests. I had my own criteria for invitees. If I hadn't had dinner with you in the past three years, you weren't invited. Or if you still can't tell who's Yvonne and who's Yvette, guess who wasn't coming to the wedding? This worked for friends but when it came to family I was very careful. There was one situation, a family of second and third cousins, wherein I couldn't invite all four. We hadn't been in touch for several years but I still wanted representation of their family at my wedding. I picked up the phone and called my cousin and said that I could only invite two out of the four and they're welcome to use it any way they wish. My cousin came to the wedding with his daughter. His wife and son could've come because three people didn't show up and didn't bother to call - that's another story.

Yvette and I feel we deserve a phone call from our cousin. We happen to be very fond of him, we love him and he's always been good to us - I would say likewise but from his actions, maybe we haven't been so good to him. We are trying to get into his head. Doesn't he understand that you don't invite one of three siblings? Did I mention that our brother lives in California and we see him once a year? They just skipped over the twins in New York and reached all the way across the country to invite our brother and his wife.

I had a good talk with my brother and he was not aware of the invitations that got stuck in the mail or eaten by a bear. He said that a couple of invites were supposed to be 'taken care of'. He said that our cousin's brother is throwing a party for the family the day after the wedding and we're invited. Of course, we will be there. We will not ask about the wedding because there's no benefit in embarrassing people. We will probably not take a present because seeing people, especially family members, squirm isn't how we have a good time. We will be gracious and if and when someone offers an explanation or an apology, we will not encourage long discussions or excuses. We'll offer our congratulations and talk about what a beautiful day it is. And it will be a beautiful day because we'll be spending time with our one and only brother. We see him just once a year.

When Someone's Breath Leaves You Breathless

"I had to tell him. I liked him and I thought that he needed to know that I was concerned about his halitosis," explained a friend.  She was careful to make it a health issue and not a social issue. He thanked her for the information. Afterwards, he didn't rush to return a few emails and when they saw each other at an event, the meeting was awkward but the good news is that there was an improvement.  She didn't feel the need to back up all the way to the other side of the room.

The poor guy was probably mortified and wondered how many other people felt the same way. I, Yvonne, told her that he's probably very appreciative. "He's not the first person I've worked with or knew who had bad breath, but I cared about him," she explained. 

We've all had onion or garlic breath. Cheap red wine breath can be unpleasant. Cigarette breath is downright nasty but at least we know what we're smelling. The highly enlightened will probably pop a mint in his/her mouth.  If you know someone well enough, you can offer a mint or say, "I don't know about you, but I know I have garlic breath after that meal."

When it comes to wretched breath, that' another story. Yvette has a friend with an issue and she wouldn't dare say anything. "I wouldn't want to lose the friendship. I don't see him that much and when I do, I keep my distance."

I agree with my sister. If it's a close friend, I wouldn't say anything.  I would keep in touch via phone calls and emails. Scheduled lunches,  dinners and drinks appointments would constantly be rescheduled (this could go on for years) and I'd still have a friend.  I'm happy to say that I don't have a bad breath friend in my life at this time. 

Telling someone they have bad breath is a difficult task. You have to really weigh the situation. Imagine if someone told you today that they were concerned about that awful whiff that comes out of your mouth, would calling it halitosis help? Or will you see right through your dear friend's heartfelt tip and know that this isn't about illness? It's about you and your bad breath and they can't bare it anymore.

If this happens to you, we suggest you take the high road. Hurt feelings are understandable especially if it's an old friend. You should thank them. If you are evil, say that every time they talk they spit in your face and add that you've been wanting to tell them that for years.

Just kidding.

Thank them, lick your wounds, go to the doctor to see if you have a sour stomach. If there is a problem call your friend and let them know that they've possibly helped you save your life or something like that.  This way, everybody wins and you can whisper sweet nothings forever.

 

  

 

The Food Attackers And Other Eating Techniques

We feel sorry for food, especially steaks and chops. We've notice that today's diners prefer attacking their food instead of eating it. They hold their fork in one hand as if they're about to drive a stake through their steak or that the steak is going to fly away and then they saw off a piece of meat with a knife. The position of the fork continues to be interesting. It's held between the third and fourth digits. This looks very odd and not at all elegant. It's not clear, at least when we tried it, how the food gets to the mouth gracefully. When did this become the proper way to hold a fork and a knife? We don't know and if you do, please email us.


We don't want to say what's right and what's wrong. But there's something to say about the way Europeans eat with the fork in the right hand and the knife in the left. They use the knife to gently put food on the fork. It looks very nice and the knife never becomes a shovel.


Some start out the European way and then do a switcheroo with the knife and fork. This can become very tiring for the diner and everyone else at the table because it's distracting.


Growing up, we held the fork with our right hand and did what the adults did, kept our left hand on our lap. This is very weird and who knows where the knives were. It's all right to rest your left hand on the table just be careful to keep your thumb from popping up, you don't want to look like a hitchhiker.


One of our favorite books is Tiffany's Book of Table Manners For Teenagers. We were adults when we bought our first copies. There was so much we didn't know and we're so glad to know it now. It doesn't make us better people, it just makes our steaks happier.

The Unpatriotic Act Of Spitting

Spitting is awful.  There's no ladylike or gentlemanly way to spit. The last time we did it was when we were babies and it was reported that one or both of the twins, "spit up today."  

Why can't people wait until they get home or to a restroom and spit up in private?  No one should be subjected to the possibility of contracting tuberculosis or who knows what else because someone couldn't hold their spit. When you think about it, you can begin to understand why there are shoeless households ( see July 1, 2008).  Our poor soles. 

There is one spitter who stands out from the rest and is more despicable than his/her fellow expectorators - the visitor from another country. It is heartbreaking to see someone who came here to enjoy our Land of Opportunity only to spit on it like nothing.   When you see this we don't recommend that you say anything because you could end up being the next target.  Yvonne will try and catch the person's eye and with all her might look down at the disgusting glob and then quickly look up again at its owner's eyes with great sorrow.  She is convinced that her subtle protest makes people think before they spit the next time. I don't know about that.  I'll sometimes throw them a dirty look. I don't say anything because they've already spat and some of them look kind of crazy.

Many men spit because they think they have the hormonal right to show off their aim.  Excuse us for being a little disgusting but beware of the the man who has just spit and wants to kiss you. You see where we're going?  You need a map? Ladies invite your gentlemen friends to wash their hands and take a swig of that mouthwash that should always be readily available in your bathroom. Maybe you can help him kick this habit by starting up a little conversation about how you little you think of men who spit in public. You will know if he's guilty by his posture - send him back to the bathroom. 

This hasn't been a very pleasant topic for us today. We love this country and there's no reason why we all can't make it a better place to rest our soles on. 

Digging Into Family History

A friend of ours, upon meeting our brother, asked, "Do you have the same father?" She was directing her question and finger to our brother.

Jerry is lighter skinned than Yvette and me. His skin color is closer to our mother's. We're brown skin like our father. Jerry's hair is also different. He and our father have what used to be referred to as 'good hair' - hair that doesn't need straightening, more like white people's hair. Jerry would have a difficult time growing dreadlocks. Yvette and I have hair that gave us perfect Afros until we decided to start straightening out the kinks. None of this is unique in a black family. Some of us are dark, some light and some, somewhere in between. Basic knowledge of African American history could explain the array of complexions one black family can have.

All three of us looked at our curious and severely ignorant friend as if she had three heads. I remember feeling hurt and angry. I felt as though she was trying to break up our family with something dark and unknown. She was a smart girl, quick witted and lots of fun. But not anymore, at least not to me. To me she'd morphed into the kind of person my mother would say, "Hasn't been anywhere, doesn't know better."

Our father taught me a lesson about personal questions. He overheard me asking one of our playmates, "Where's your mother?" I'd never seen her and since we all had mothers, I wanted to know where his was, I had assumed he had one.

"Don't ever ask people questions like that," he told me after I was whisked away to another room. He wasn't angry but he was firm. "Maybe he doesn't know where is mother is or maybe it could hurt him," my father explained.

Don't worry about Yvette and me trying to dig into your family's business. You'll let us know what you want us to know.

The question our friend asked was about more than skin color. Having always lived in poorer neighborhoods, she was subscribing to what she had seen, children in one family fathered by more than one man. Whereas blacks tend to ask about who's father belongs to whom, whites are more interested in the nuptial piece of the equation. "Were your parents married?" a friend asked. I asked her to be honest and tell me if she would have asked me that question if I were white. She turned red. Another white friend was trying understand how many fathered the six of us (three). "That's a lot," he marveled. "Not as many different fathers Elizabeth Taylor's kids have," I snapped back. The burning question he never asked was, "Was your mother married to any of them." We have been asked this question too.

If you're not sure of a question, look in the mirror and ask yourself first. It's okay if you look stupid, it'll lead you to a better question or maybe a piece of good conversation. It's best to stay away from those questions about families. The answer probably isn't going to improve the quality of your life and it'll only make you look uncouth.

Do you have a personal question that irks you? Let us know. Or is it too personal?

Something Smells Fishy

When Yvonne lived in Italy, one day she ordered in lunch. She shared an office with three other people.  There was a lot of work to do and she thought she was being efficient. The Italians thought the whole thing stunk!  "They told me that my toasted sandwich was stinking up the office and making it smell like meal time in a hospital."  

I felt their pain or at least I smelled it when one of my colleagues brought in a 'nice' piece of fish (Why is fish always nice?) that was leftover from her dinner.  She popped it into the microwave and had the office smelling like a seafood shack. The scent lingered like cheap perfume for the rest of the afternoon, at the end of the day it wasn't nice at all.

We don't have anything against seafood but eating it in a limited space with poor air circulation is disrespectful, it shows  lack of regard for your fellow workers.  Don't reach for the tuna fish sandwich, don't even think about the salami hero and watch out for egg salad.  A bag of chips is all right but peanuts and corn chips are best eaten when when you're in your own home. 

How you eat in your own space at work is one thing but if it' a working lunch with other people, watch your mouth. Who created the working lunch? Was it a ploy to get a free sandwich on the company's dime?  No way can it be time efficient because you have to sit there and wait for people to bite and chew. Of course there are always those who can't wait to make their point. This is never worthwhile because they usually have to repeat what they've said. It's hard to speak clearly about projected earnings with a mouthful of a mysterious lunch meats.

Turkey sandwiches don't offend and ham and cheese is all right depending on the cheese.  Roast Beef won't cloud the air and neither will grilled vegetables. Stay away from those steam tables with meats and vegetables playing hide and seek in sauces and gravies. 

Lunch makes sense. It's good for you and we can all use a break. But the next time you have lunch at the desk, give the rest of the office a break.

Saying Grace With Grace

We always find it odd when people who like to say grace can be so graceless about it. Some have a way of making you feel like a heathen when you go straight for the food and not the blessing. "Exuuse me," we have to say grace first!" demands one friend with honorable intentions but a lousy way of delivering them.

Grace is a good thing. It's nice when people join hands, unite and  give thanks for what they're about to eat - Lord knows these days we better give as much thanks as possible for whatever blessings we have. 

Growing up Yvette and I weren't required to say grace but we were thankful for whatever food made its way to our table.  However, when we were guests in another home we always knew better than than to dive into our food. We took our cue from our hosts as we should all do. We didn't have a healthy stock of blessings in our repertoire so rather than trying bless along we were quiet and at the end would join in with a heartfelt, "Amen."

"Yvonne, we say grace at our table. Is that all right?" A friend asked when I was visiting her family in Kentucky.  

It was the first time I'd seen my friend and her husband since they'd had children.  I thought is was thoughtful of her to ask the question. It wasn't a demand, it wasn't aggressive and I felt privileged in that I was being asked to be included in their ritual.  

"Yes, of course," I said. We joined hands, my friend's husband blessed the table with something lovely and brief.  Lunch was great, my friends were gracious and their kids were charming.  It was truly a blessing and they made me feel as though I had graced their table.

Sober Notes

It's commonplace these days to be drinking with people who no longer drink.  So here are a few pointers for you to remember at the next gathering.

1. Don't offer everyone red or white wine and then when you get to the person who you know doesn't drink anymore say, "Would you like soda? We have some ginger ale." Let them tell you what they'd like.
2. Don't serve the soft drink in a tumbler while everyone else is drinking from a wine glass. And don't whisk the person's wine glass from the table.
3. When a person asks for something soft to drink, don't say, "Oh, you don't drink?" 
4. Don't repeat the old Sinatra line, "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
5. Do talk about anything but drinking habits. Don't try and commiserate and say, "I need to cut down myself."
6. Do not prepare drunken shrimp or chicken.
7. Don't call and say, "Why don't you bring some juice since you don't drink?"
8. Don't marvel and express how glad you are to see them so happy and healthy again and again.
9. Do be considerate when inviting, heavy drinkers and non drinkers may not be a winning combination especially if someone's sobriety is recent.
10. And whatever you do, don't ever say, "You don't know what you're missing."

Yes they do. 

The Shoeless Household: Outfit Spoiler Or Floor Saver?

A friend of ours has a new seat in his apartment. He keeps it by the door so that you'll have a place to sit while you take off your shoes. He's not doing it for religious reasons, he's asking guests to mess up their outfits or snag their stockings because he wants to keep his beautiful wood floors beautiful. 

He doesn't provide slippers but he wears slippers and he doesn't have any rugs. What's a well dressed guest to do? 

You could travel with your own slippers, or the 'savior of floors' host could buy the same paper slippers nail salons provide their customers with after a pedicures.  Since he's a guy he probably doesn't understand that wood and stockings don't mix and this can become a pricey practice for him. We think that in the event of snags, he should pay for a new pantyhose.  What about the rest of the outfit? Who wants their pants sweeping the floor because the perfect length just became a little too long without the heel height? We see the possibility of other people's dry cleaning bills in his future.

What happened to making guests comfortable? When you invite people into your home they should spend their time comfortably. Also, some people have really ugly feet and maybe they don't want others to see them. This could also be a deal breaker for two people meeting for the first time. And do we as guests have the right to ask when was the last time his floor was cleaned? Something about a roomful of people padding around with no shoes is odd, it's as if everyone just got a little too familiar too soon.  

 

We think our friend should re-think this issue because it is racked with issues. Years ago plastic covers were used to protect furniture. In the winter the plastic was cold, the cheap stuff would start to crack. In the summer you would try and get up and take the plastic covered cushion with you. It was a mess and so is asking people to take their shoes off. 

What do you think?