Next week, B. and Dan will be doing a talk and signing about their book, Before I Forget, on Tuesday, January 19th
at Barnes and Noble, Broadway and 82nd Street at 7pm. I’m looking forward
to seeing them, getting the book and listening to the talk. But, I wondered
what would I or should I say if B. doesn’t remember me. Do I introduce myself?
Do I make her remember that I’m one of the twins?
I shared my thoughts with Dan and asked if
I could do a Q&A. I sent some questions and he gave me some answers, as only
Dan can in his wise, funny and poignant way.
“Everything I say next
is meant to help you understand the importance of making a person
with Alzheimer’s feel comfortable. You have to find humor in tough
situations or they become unbearable. So with that in mind, here are some of my
tips.”
What is the major “don’t” when seeing B.?
Don’t say,
“Do you remember me?” or jump into a reminiscence of past times together; she
might not be able to follow you there. People with Alzheimer’s have enough
don’ts and deficits. Their brains are already dissing them; they don’t
need you to do so, too. It’s not about you; it’s about her. Be there in that
moment. Be present. Just relax--she
doesn’t need your tension, she needs your attention.
What is the
major “do” when seeing B. and you?
Come bearing jokes…and if you don’t have any
good ones to tell, at least consider bringing me some scotch. In all
seriousness, any light you can bring to anyone wandering around in this
disease’s darkness is a blessing.
How
comfortable is she with handshakes, hugs, can this cause anxiety?
B. is a natural hugger; thank G-d that
Alzheimer’s hasn’t erased that in her. It’s tricky, as everyone has a different
personality and therefore a different response. But generally
speaking, what you may see as hugging an old friend she more than likely
will experience as a stranger approaching and encroaching on her
space. You wouldn’t want some stranger coming up to you and pawing you,
would you? Put yourself in her shoes and you’ll walk straight.
As an old friend, if she doesn’t recognize me –
do I introduce myself as if we’ve never met? Do I simply state my name?
No one will ever take offense, especially those
of us of a certain graying population, at someone saying hello by introducing
or re-introducing themselves by name. How many people do you see in your
daily life whose face is familiar, but you just can’t quite grasp their name?
Give her the chance to say, “I remember you.” It’s not something
she gets to say as often as either of us would like.
As a
caregiver, what should others do in public situations such as a book signing?
Bathe. No, seriously, it’s going to be
crowded and loud and a little overwhelming for both of us, so a simple hello, a
smile, and a quick thank you for ‘sharing our story’ or some other pleasantry
(or joke) would be much appreciated.
For more information and how you can join the fight, click here.
And lastly, as B.
used to say at the end of every one of their shows, “Thank you, Dan.”