THANKSGIVING: DON'T BE A TURKEY

And we're off and running. The holiday season kicks off next week with Thanksgiving. Some of us will spend the most time we've ever spent all year round in our kitchens basting, chopping, stirring and hoping that it all turns out well. We thought we'd whip up some dos and don'ts for both hosts and guests.

For hosts...

• Do be honest, if a guest asks what should they bring, tell them. Nothing worse than seeing your supply of wine and champagne dwindle, sparkling cider just isn't the same.


• Be ready to receive guests, they shouldn't see you sweating over the bird. Don't make them feel compelled to help out with the dinner - they came to eat, not prepare.


• Try not to give a blow by blow of the dinner's preparation. e.g. "I made the stuffing at midnight! I got up at the crack of dawn to boil the sweet potatoes." There is an excellent book, Timing Is Everything by Jack Piccolo.


• Speaking of timing, if you've asked guests to come at five o'clock don't make them wait until seven o'clock to eat.


• Do plan a balanced, well rounded menu. You want your guests to have enough food, but ten different things to eat could turn into a mishmosh of mismatched flavors and actually begin to look like mush on a plate.


• Let guests eat in peace. No need to keep asking them if they need anything.


• Be gracious when your cooking is complimented. No one will know you left out the thyme unless you tell them.


• If you discover that someone is a vegan, don't make a big deal out of it. They'll know to skip the macaroni and cheese.


• When it's time to clear the table, try not to enlist the help of every guest at the table. And don't disappear into the kitchen to wash the dishes. This looks like you're trying to get a leg up on things. That's rude. (If you have a small kitchen, loading the dishwasher is okay but don't run it.)


• Toast your guests, thank them for being part of the day.


• Try not to yawn in front of your company. This may look like you're bored or sleepy.

For guests...

• Don't be late. There is no excuse.


• Even if your hosts said they don't need anything, take a bottle of something or a small gift.


• If you've offered to bring a dessert, bring dessert not a platter of deviled eggs as a surprise.


• We like flowers but if you're being hosted by someone who's doing all the work, consider an arrangement so that they won't have to stop and tend to the flowers.


• Offer to help but don't barge into the kitchen and start doing things.


• Don't just grab a seat at the table, your host may have a seating plan.


• Before the meal, wash your hands without making a general announcement.


• Turn off your cellphone.


• Don't talk about how much you love dressing with oysters when there is no oyster dressing on the table.


• Let your host know if you have dietary restrictions in advance. Don't talk about your diet and how you're being a bad girl as you butter your second roll.


• Dress appropriately, not every day is a jeans day.


• If you have a lonely friend with no place to go, don't invite them along hoping that your host will understand. Your friend will only feel lonelier when there's no seat for him/her at the table.


• Give thanks and toast your hosts.

HAPPY HOLIDATING

There is no more rigorous a test of a relationship, especially a new one, than the holidays. We've all starred in our personal Home Alone movie and not always by choice.

I, Yvette, would like to share an experience I had last Thanksgiving. I had been dating someone for about five months. The closer we got to what would be our first major holiday, the more uncomfortable I became. I wanted to ask him what plans he had but I thought I'd put him on the spot. I should have had an idea because I hadn't met any of his family. Not even the cousin he frequently spoke about.

After asking a few friends what I should do, I decided to woman up and ask. "Knowledge is power," I told myself.

"What are your plans for Thanksgiving?" I asked during a phone call. He laid out his plans, they did not include me.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Nothing", I answered, casually.

"Oh."

A few days later, we had dinner. It was awkward, conversation was stilted and all attempts were made to avoid talking about turkey. At the end of the evening, as I got out of the cab he said he'd call. The day before Thanksgiving, the call morphed into an email wishing me a happy one. Guess he didn't read our post, 'What's Up With Diss Email."

Oh, well I learned a lesson. This wasn't a 'love at first sight' relationship so there wasn't a mad rush to show me off to his family. He'd met mine, it was my birthday celebration. I never considered leaving him out. And in our family, we don't think the next sound you hear will be wedding bells just because you met some of us.

Holidays are simply holidays, to be enjoyed and not to be used as tools of disengagement. What did I learn? I should have asked sooner. I should've lowered my expectations based on his actions. Five months and no introduction to close friends or family? I don't think he was rude for not including me in his holiday plans, the email was. He should've manned up and picked the phone up.

Commitment or lack of isn't a social grace but how you handle it is. Maybe some of us are just too hot to handle. Ha!

ELEVATOR MANNERS: GOING UP?

We say they’re going down, especially in our hometown of New York City. What is it about New Yorkers who treat other New Yorkers like the Invisible Man, Woman or Child? How about a nod or a basic greeting, something more humane than walking onto an elevator and distributing the silent treatment?

Cell phones and BlackBerrys don’t help. Now, there’s really no reason to recognize anyone else, we’re too busy fielding phone calls and answering emails. Neighbors think nothing of getting on an elevator and holding conversations as if they’re the only ones on it. At the very least, a whispered, “Excuse me,” says plenty. It says, “I know this is rude to hold a conversation that has nothing to do with you and is invasive to the space we’re in.” Of course, if your phone rings during the ride it’s not your fault, you can either answer it so that the ring doesn’t become a Muzak tune or you can turn it off or answer it and quickly say, “I’ll call you back.”

Babies and their state of the art strollers rule. However, most caregivers and parents are usually very nice about acknowledging the space they’re about dominate as you’re squished into a corner. They’re also more apt to greet you - there’s something you can take to the first floor. But as these babies grow, parents will often let them practice their first steps getting on and off the elevator, this is fine as long as no one else is on it or waiting for one. Otherwise, there’s nothing much to do about precious moments like these except grin and bear it.

Getting off the elevator is another trip. Babies and their equipment get off first, then women and the elderly and then everyone else. In a rush to get off, no one thinks about the doors closing in the face of ‘everyone else’.

“I don’t like it when someone treats a public elevator as if it’s their private elevator” a friend pointed out. She explained that there’s nothing more annoying than someone on the elevator holding the doors open while having a conversation with someone off the elevator. That’s as bad as the person who can’t fathom waiting for another elevator so he/she slices in between the doors with their hand just as the doors were closing and everyone else who waited fair and square were thinking they were on their way.

Speaking of conversation, how soon we forget when an elevator works efficiently. We’re talking about ungrateful riders who get on and when they realize they’re on a functioning elevator as it stops for others as it stopped for them, they say, “Local,” as if the elevator did something wrong. Poor elevators and poor us if we get stuck on this one.

QUESTIONABLE QUESTIONS

Being twins, we’re used to questions. We’ve been asked them all from “Are you identical?” to “Which one is the evil twin?” Call us sensitive when it comes to some questions, but when a question makes you wince then it’s probably the kind that’s trying to peg your social status, your financial status, your love life, etc. Below are some that pass the wince test. (Please note that some of these questions are perfectly acceptable depending on how well you know the person who’s being questioned.)

1. Do you all have the same father? Families today, don’t look like they used to with overseas adoptions, interracial marriages and extended families. There’s no need to ask a question like this except if you are a doctor inquiring about a family’s medical history.

2. What does your wife/husband do? Just because a man is wearing a wedding band doesn’t mean he’s married to a woman. The same goes for a woman.

3. Are you two married? Asking a couple about their marital status could be uncomfortable if they’re not married and one of them would like to be.

4. How old are you? This age-old question stirs up all kinds of emotions after age ten. The only ones who can get away with it are doctors, lawyers and forgetful parents.

5. Why were you in the hospital? If you don’t know that means you don’t know the person well enough. And maybe they don’t want to talk about their hemorrhoid operation.

6. How big is your farm? This is another way of asking, “How much land are you rich enough to own?”

7. Did your son/daughter get a scholarship? This question could rub someone wrong for a couple reasons. One, it’s an underhanded way of inquiring about someone’s finances. Two, it’s a sly way to find out how smart or talented their kid is.

8. Is he/she gay? Who wants to know and why? This question is usually used as a tool to label someone. It’s also usually asked when a person’s sexual preferences have nothing to do with the conversation or situation at hand.

9. I love your ring, how big is it? We can understand the curiosity of knowing what two or three carats look like but are those dollar signs we see in that bubble over your head?

10. Do you mind my asking how much rent do you pay? Unless you’re a financial institution or offering to pay someone’s rent, don’t ask.